30 Day Photo Challenge Day 1: Me!!!

I'm not quite sure what you want, but i'll give it the ole try.

This is me... Lisa. Not LeeLee, the glammed up wannabe internet star who blogs and writes poetry while posting half naked pics to get the attention of men. Not the loud mouth midget with anger issues.

Just lil ole me.

Most of the time, I lay around the house, no makeup, hair not done, not even dressed. My life isnt that exciting. I'm currently laying in my bed, counting down to payday (Friday). I have .78¢ to my name, desperately searching for change around the house so I could purchase a .99¢ sweet tea from the liquor store up the street.

This pic was taken with my camera phone. I still havent gotten my digital camera out of the pawn shop... Lol

Love & Truth Challenge Day 30 Series Finale: Live And Learn.

Did this love challenge teach you anything? If so/not, then what/why?

I didnt realize how hard it was going to be to write some of these blogs. I tried to be as real with my feelings as I could. In some of the blogs, I was a little TOO real. The love letter had me in tears half way through it. Day 29 had me come to the realization that I do want a relationship and I do want to be married. I dont want to grow old alone. The man I want is my soulmate I wrote about in my letter and I promise if I ever find him, I will read that letter to him on our wedding day.

What ive took from this challenge is that we are all deserving of love that is healthy, positive and helps you grow into a better person. I have alot of work to do on me. Im not as secure with myself as I lead yall to believe. Im slowly beginning to love myself, but im guilty of letting the opinions of outsiders beat me down. Never settle for less just for the sake of saying you have somebody. Know your worth. Your king or Queen will come.

Thank you Kali for allowing me to do this challenge... And it was a challenge in more ways than one. Thanks to the rest of you for sharing a part of your lives with me. You all are truly beautiful inside and out.

I love you all.

(((((HUGS)))))

Lisa

Love & Truth Challenge Day 29: Thank You!

Write a love letter to your soulmate (whether you feel youve met them or not).

DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for any tears or heartfelt feelings that may occur during the reading of this blog. Certain emotions poured out and I may have wept ( just a tad). Keep in mind that im still a thug and thugs has feelings. Just want yall to know that its all KALI'S fault!

Now on to my blog.

Dearest Love,

Today is the day that all of my questions were answered, my fantasies came to reality and my life became complete.

So many years have passed since I began my search for you. Ive searched the highest of highs and hit the lowest of lows. I never thought in a million years that I would ever receive the gift that God has bestowed onto me.

The Lord knew my heart and sent me the perfect piece to my unfinished puzzle. Ive been blessed through my life with two angels whose love got me through the toughest of times and a mother who was a great role model and has been there for me through it all. But something was still missing. With God's guidance, he led us to each other and now my puzzle is complete.

My cup runneth over with happiness, laughter and of course love. Love that I didnt think I was deserving of. I use to think the emptiness in my heart was my punnishment for not giving my life to God. But HE is a kind, loving and forgiving God. Once I started loving myself, then and only then was love able to find me.

I want to thank God first and formost for never giving up on this lost soul of a woman.

I thank you for being the man that I needed. You never judged and you loved me despite my past or what others thought of me. Thank you for stepping into not only my life, but my sons lives and doing the job that their fathers never did. They have so much love and respect for you. For the first time, we have a real family.

Im just sorry that my mom never got the chance to meet you. She would have loved you. I wished she could have seen what I see in you. A man of the highest integrity, love for his family and the upmost respect for his parents.

Standing here by your side, in this church with our family, friends and God present, I know youre my soulmate and I will spend the rest of my life making you proud that you chose me as your wife.

I Love You!

Love & Truth Challenge Day 28: Fuck Friends.

If you had a choice between a love relationship and just sex (guaranteed)... Which would you choose?

Ive done the whole love and relationship thing and that didnt work. Now I know that im a woman of a particular age and I shouldnt be fuckin around, but hell, this woman of a particular age has needs...

I need to bust a nut!

I need to get my perm sweated out!

I need to get my back blown out!

I need for you to take your black ass home after im done with you!

What I dont need is the headache of wondering where my man is whenever he isnt home!

I dont need the hassle of working at something that nine times out of ten isnt going to work!

I dont need to feel my legs.

I am a woman of a particular age with needs and if I keep getting what ive been getting lately in my bedroom...

I CHOOSE SEX!!!

Love & Truth Challenge Day 27: It Sucks To Be You Right Now.

Does anyone you've broke up with still love and pursue you?

Yes, but I think its a game to him. We still talk, because truthfully, its so damn hard for me to let go. Thats always been my problem. He says he wants to work things out. I think its just the loneliness talking, because if there was a woman in his life, he wouldnt be talking to me. He moved to the east coast and doesnt know anybody, so we talk daily. He talks about reconciling, but I dont want to. With him being thousands of miles away and us lacking the funds to visit, makes it easier for me to get over him. With all the shit that has happened with us, I will NEVER trust him with my heart again. I know what I need to do, but its hard to do it. How do I cut my bestie out of my life? We are GREAT friends, even greater lovers, but we made a horrible couple. He still makes me smile and laugh, but the thought of no Anthony makes me cry. But im also still filled with anger and wants him to hurt like he hurt me. Thats not healthy! Shouldnt I have a forgiving heart? Do I take him back? Should I stand by my man and cross my fingers that he's changed? Should I let him go completely and move on? Is "she" really a threat or am I that insecure with myself that im overreacting?

My mind keeps telling me to go, but my heart wants to stay. That vengeful hearted alter ego of mine keeps singing that new Beyonce song, "The Best Thing I Never Had."

I HATE Bitchyonce... But im feeling the song.


The Best Thing I Never Had Lyrics

What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
I said, you turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'll never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

[Chorus]
I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I will always be the, best thing you never had.
Best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh I will never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now

Love & Truth Challenge Day 26: Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson...

If your young daughter or son came to you and told you they were in love with someone your age... What would your response be?

I aint even gonna lie, I might bust out with...

"LAWD GEEZUS NO!!! I knew this day would come!!! I knew that fat bitch Karma had my address and would be coming through unfuckinannounced. See, I know what this is about!! Its about all those times I invited those 18-20 year olds over and offered them some of my candy. I was a baaaaad bitch in my 30's and the only thing old I wanted back then was... Well, tell you the truth, I didnt like old shit PERIOD!!! Now you bring your wet-behind-the-ears ass up in MY house to tell me youre in love with that old hussy... GTFOH with that shit! She too old to give you kids! She aint got no damn eggs and her titties are full of powdered milk. You cant take her to the club and buy her a drink!!! I still gotta tell you to clean your room. Your cartoon watching, Yugi-oh backpack carrying, fruity pebbles cereal eating ass needs to try it again son!!"

Well, thats what I would think in my head as I roll my eyes and walk off.

Love & Truth Challange Day 25: Mommy/Daddy, What Is Love?

Looking back on your life... who taught you the most about what love is/isnt?

Without even realizing it, these two people gave me lessons about love (or lack there of) that nobody else could. Just sitting back and observing the differences between the two.

What love is: Mom (1950-2006). My mom was a lady in every sense of the word. She married my dad when she was 17 and they seperated a year or two later. She loved my dad. Even though they lived apart most of their 21 year marriage, she didnt sleep around or went out. She stayed true to her vows. She was only intimate with him when he came around. Even though he flaunted his women around on the street, she always told me and my siblings to love and respect him, at the same time pleading with him to be in his children's lives before its too late. After the divorce, she was celibate for 7 years before she met her 2nd husband Weldon (r.i.p.). He had a long battle with drugs, which is why she didnt marry him at first. But being a woman of God and giving birth to my little sister, she didnt want to live in sin. That and she did love him. But soon after they married, he was with different women as well, so she left him. My mom had a loving and forgiving heart. She was a good wife, but she gave it to people who didnt deserve it.

What love isnt: Dad (1946-2009). Dad married my mom when he was 21. He was a welder who eventually started his own business. Mom left him early into the marriage because of his cheating, abusive and wild ways. He married three more times after they divorced and he cheated on all of them. There was one woman who stood by his side during all of his marriages. She even supposively had his son and he still didnt marry her. He married some chic he knew only 6 months, he been on and off with stephanie for 30 years. 30 years pining over a man who never married her. That man was a womanizer til the end... Well, until he met wife #4, who was younger than me. She dogged that nigga out and had a baby with some other nigga. Karma is a BITCH!!!

Seeing how my mom was loving and kind and my dad was a manwhore, you would think I would learn from their marriage and other relationships. I dont know why I did half the shit (or men) that I did. Fuckin everybody will not lead you to a life long mate, and I knew that! You would think I would follow in my mom's footsteps and carry myself like a lady and treat my body like a temple. Even though my dad didnt sit me down and teach me how to have self love and respect, that didnt mean that it was his fault either. I knew better and still do. I wasnt looking for a father figure, because they were younger than me. Out of all the guys ive dated/fucked, a couple may have loved me. But for the rest who didnt, I knew they didnt, but I fucked them anyway. Im not sure what I was looking for, or if I was looking for anything at all. I wouldnt know love if it bit me in the ass. Sex couldnt fill the void that I had. Harping over the wasted years of not being appreciated wont bring them back either. We dont get a "do over" in life.

After many men and STD's, one has to say to themselves...

Love wont find you until you love yourself. So until then, keep the legs closed, while the mind and eyes are open.

I guess, in a nutshell, love is forgiving and grows into something warm and beautiful. Love is patient and takes time to grow into that beautiful feeling that only God can give by bringing you the right mate... And having God in your life.

Love shouldnt hurt. It shouldnt be a struggle. Love cant be forced or bought.

Love & Truth Challenge Day 24: Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

Have you ever broken anyone's heart?

I did once. Looking back, I should have done things differently.

A few years ago, I persued one of the teachers at my school. He was in his mid 50's, single father raising his two young sons, all the kids at school liked him. He was a real cool cat. We ended up going out. He was trying to take things slow, but I rushed a sexual relationship. After our first night together, he told me that he hasnt been intimate with a woman in two years. He planned get togethers with us and our kids. When it looked like he was getting serious, I sabotaged everything. I didnt call him all summer. I even changed my number. When school started that fall, you can tell he was upset. I should have been a woman and told him straight out how I felt. That wasnt fair to him. I didnt feel good about the way I treated him.

Love & Truth Challenge Day 23: Happily Ever After?

Do you think love and marriage are synonymous?

Nope!!!

Me and my ex bitch just had a loooooooong discussion about this very topic and we both disagree.

He says it does go hand in hand because everybody wants to marry the person that they love and spend the rest of their lives together. This is the same nigga who married twice and cheated on both of them.

I dont want to get married! Ive always dreamed of my wedding with the beautiful dress, beautiful location and all eyes on me...

I just didnt want the husband.

People nowadays get married NOT for love, but because theyre lonely or because all of their friends are married or for money. My mom married twice while my dad married four times. Seeing how all their relationships ended, i'm cool on marriage. Its ruined for me! I dont even think I want to live with a dude.

There are some people who take the institution of marriage VERY seriously, while others go through the motions of reciting the vows and throwing that brass ring on their finger just for the hell of it!

If I was in a loving relationship and I was proposed to then I would get married. But since i'm still scorned from that last fiasco, i'm good!

Love & Truth Challenge Day 22: Romantic Interlude: Take 1.

*Create the perfect love scene*



She had a long day at work and was counting down to 5pm. A messenger delivered a letter to her. It had directed her to go to the limo and a time to meet. Later that evening, she arrived at the hotel, where the hotel clerk gave her another note, directing her to room 247 and a key. As she walked into the room, she noticed champaign chilling, rose pedals on the bed and a colorful assortment of fruit and cheese. Room service came to the door with another note. It said there was a bubble bath waiting for her. She soaked in the water and slowly bathed. She noticed another note taped on the mirror telling her to go to the ajoining room. She dried off and put on a robe, then proceeded to the next room where there was a masseuse waiting for her. She layed on the table face down and the masseuse started giving her a massage. The masseuse excused herself for a brief moment. She layed on the table eyes closed when she noticed a pair of strong hands rubbing her. A familiar voice whispered in her ear. She looked up and to her surprise her husband was standing there...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY LOVE!!!

*and cut*

Love & Truth Challenge Day 21: Road Trip.

What is the most romantic location you would like to visit?

Jamaica....

Warm weather, beautiful beaches, clean water, blue skies and colorful flowers everywhere you turn.

If I ever get my money right, I would love to go. Do some shopping, hit the clubs and have relations with a real life jamaican.

Who wants to donate to my cause? LOL

Love & Truth Challenge Day 20: Love You From Afar?

Do you believe in long distance love/computer love? Why or why not?

It's not for everybody. I tried it for a year with my ex bitch. He lived in L.A. and I live in Vallejo. Even though it was only an hour plane ride, I was scared to do planes, so we went nine hours back and forth on the train. Money was an issue for both of us, so we alternated once a month. He did pay for everything, but still. With the combination of limited funds, distance and trust issues (mainly because of his cheating) it didnt work. Now he lives in Florida claiming he wants us to work it out. Reality is, if it didnt work with both of us living in California, it sure as hell wont work with us on each end of the coasts and our old issues hasnt been resolved. I still love him though. I wish I could just get over him already.

Now those of you who know me from 360, has heard me go on and on about my jamaican. He lived in Florida and we had a hot and heavy internet romance. We never did meet in person. We spent hours every day IM'ing each other while texting while talking on the phone. He did keep it real with me and said that when we would be face to face, there would no other woman around, but when we're apart, he would still do what he do. I couldnt be mad about that.

Even though I cared about both of them, if I could do things over, I wouldnt even attempt a long distance relationship.

Love & Truth Challenge Day 19: My Love For The "S" Word.

What do you love to do the most?

*seductive grin*

In a word...

SEX!!!!!

I love EVERYTHING about sex!

I love talking about sex!

I love having sex!

I love that he loves having sex with moi!

I love being videotaped having sex!

I love writing about sex!

I love reciting poetry about sex!

I love going on road trips that end with me having sex!

I love watching movies with people having sex!

I love eating food that reminds me a performing lewd sexual acts!

*example: popscicle, banana*

I love the way the word "sex" rolls off my tongue!

{record scratch}

The diet I started over the weekend has seriously fucked with my social skills and made me incompetent to write a semi decent blog.

My sincere apologies. Hopefully i'll do better on day 20.

*for the record I love to write, eat & travel*

Love & Truth Challenge Day 18: You, Me & He.

Have you ever been in a love triangle... with you as the object of desire?

I juggled dating two men at the same time, but they never found out about each other, because they both lived in different cities.

I was goooooood ;-)

But as far as two men fighting over me, that has never happened.

Love & Truth Challenge Day 17: Weeeeee Stiiiiiiiiiiiiill Together.

Do you think young people can fall in love and it be true?

It depends on the people involved. Some think that theyre in love, but when adult problems arise, they cant handle it.

My mom got married at 17 and my dad was 21. She was very mature for her age, and when my dad started acting up, she took me and left. Dad was messing around with different women and my mom wasnt having it. They were married for 20 years and seperated half that time. She never smoked, drinked, partied or had men over, just my dad. He wasnt mature enough to accept the love my mom had for him. Through the years, you could tell that my dad still loved her, and when she died, part of his heart died with her :-(.

I have a handful of friends who got together young and made it work.

I met my best friend Sally in high school. At that time she was dating Sal. They had their ups and downs, but love conquered all and after over 23 years together and two kids, they made it. Its funny because whenever they had a disagreement, Sal would call me going off because Sally pissed him off for whatever reason. I would always tell him, "nobody wants y'all but y'all." I knew way back then that they loved each other and that it wasnt just a passing fad. Here they are years later and stiiiiiiiiill together. Sally's sisters also married young and their relationships stood the test of time. Nena and Ray are in their 40's. They have three adult kids and five grandkids. Lucy and Dominic are my age and has four kids between the ages of 22 & 8 (i think thats the ages) and they even renewed their marriage vows recently. Whenever I go to their family get togethers, you can feel the love they all have for their spouses and see how their families are close nit. There are adults who got married later in life who dont have the connection that my friends have and whinned up getting divorced. I get a possitive vibe from my married friends and is very happy that theyve made it. Seeing Sally and Sal, Nena and Ray and Lucy and Dominic gives me hope that MY day will come.

Congrats to the young lovers who proved that their love is true, long lasting and real.

Love & Truth Challenge Day 16: The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nope!!!

Besides my sons and their father, Rick Ross, there's no such thing.

I believe in lust at first sight.

Dude walks past...

His scent...

His swagga...

His seductive glance he shoots in my direction causes me to soak up my secrets by victoria.

Lust... not Love... at first sight!

Love & Truth Challenge Day 15: I Dont Love Them Hoes!

Can you live without a love relationship?

Im sure there are people who might say that "i dont want your love!" "i dont need your love!" I know im not loved by all, but im loved by those who mean something to me, and I love them back. But to live a life without the love of my sons, family, friends, My God...

I couldnt imagine not having a heart... Nor could I imagine a loveless life. No hugs, kisses or words that fill your soul with endless joy.

Im not stressed off being single, because I refuse to settle just for the sake of saying that I have a man, but I need love so I can flourish and grow and return that same love that was given to me... To others.

I Love You!

Love & Truth Challenge Day 14: I Got Five On It {BITCH}

Recreate your most romantic date (a real one).

It was Valentine's Day 2011. The place was Fleming's Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar, located near L.A. Live in Los Angeles. It was 10 pm and the place was packed. Lights were dim and the table setting was nice. Even the menus were pretty. Before this place, the nicest restaurant ive ever been to was Red Lobster and Olive Garden...lol

*Before I continue with our date, let's rewind just a tad*

It was my turn to go visit my bitch, so I told him in advance to plan something nice for V-Day. Normally between thanksgiving and V-Day im cranky because im always single and surrounded by love struck couples. So this was the first time I looked forward to this day. I took $500 of my income tax money and got my hair, nails and what I was wearing that night. My dress was cute and I couldnt wait to be seen in it. He never told me where we were going until I got dressed and then my mouth dropped and I went off...

THE NIGHT CLUB?!?

I dont wanna go to the fuckin club! Single people go to the club and weez a couple now! I want to go someplace romantico for V-Day. Its 8pm.

So we drove... And drove... And drove. Parking near L.A. Live was $20 so his fat ass wanted to park wayyyyyy over der------->>>>

Im not walking 50 miles in heels! So I made him pay the $20. He was mad and walked ahead of me while we looked for a place to eat. I shot down every place he chose and we walked passed the club.

Dont even think about it!

Then @ 10pm, Fleming's caught our eye. The place was beautiful. We were seated and then they gave us the menu.

{GASPS}

Thats when I knew we werent going to eat. His lips said, "order whatever you want." His facial expression and body language pleaded for me to be quiet and dont order shit! We both knew he couldnt afford this place.

We ordered the following items:

•Fresh mozzarella and sweet tomato salad $9.50.

*it had 5 cherry tomatoes cut in half, 5 skinny strips of lettuce and 3 small pieces of cheese*

•One chicken breast $28.95.

•French fries and onion rings $8.95.

The romantic part was when we shared the meal. We laughed as we took pictures of our dinner. The salad tastes good and the chicken was melt-in-your-mouth delicious!

The night started off rough, but ended kinda cool. We held hands as we walked to the car.

Love & Truth Challenge Day13: Do You Believe In Unconditional Love?

Do you believe in unconditional love?

Uhhhhhh.... Yeah!!!

See the pic of those two men right there? That right there is unconditional love. Raised them by myself. Can give me grief, gray hairs and headaches. But my love began when the doctor said youre pregnant! Aint that crazy? Dont know if theyre a boy or a girl or what they look like, but the second you find out the news, your motherly instinct and unconditional love kicks in. Even though your stomach will expand, feet will swell and your vaheena will look like all three world wars demolished your shit, you love them. Even when both of my sons were diagnosed with pervassive developmental dissorder (higher functioning on the autistic spectrum) my love for them never dimenished. I mean, its one thing to hook up with someone and fall in love, but you them for a reason. But your baby, no reason or limits for your love. My mom used to say when you have a baby, they lay in your arms and when they get older, they lay in your heart. I get that now.

I love GOD too! None of us hasnt seen him, but I feel him in my heart and He has had my back since I wad born! He has blessed me and my family and has continued to bless me through it all. Im not even saying through material things, but in my life period.